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Engaging Life in a New Living Awareness as ONE Together

Engaging Life Together

I’m breaking from the normal posts for a moment. This last fall a very magical event occurred not necessarily related to Ufology, yet the overtones certainly have their foundation in common with the quest for getting to know our neighbors better. It appears some Arcturians (tall Greys) were involved in the set up as well, from a few perspectives. We don’t often have physical evidence or references to share, yet this is one that we think you will enjoy.

Luba Brodsky was born and raised in St. Petersburg, Russia. She was trained as a concert pianist and teacher of piano and music theory. She also had an intense curiosity about her star family relationship, feeling like they were present in her life from very young. After a stroke in 2008 which paralyzed the right side of her body for some time, she willfully brought herself back to playing and teaching piano. To meet and listen to her now you would never know.

Engaging life after her recovery, she became intent on exploring her spiritual path which led her to studying Kundalini yoga. Not only did she study it, she engaged a Kundalini teacher training program; a grueling 26-week program that took her to a new living awareness of energy and matter. During this time, her relationship of 26 years (interesting correlation, eh?) ended rather abruptly. She began researching ‘twin-flame’ information across the web and watching Tom Campbell’s videos. Life was about to change, again, only for the better this time.

I, your curator, had been going through his own dark night of the soul regarding relationships, eventually coming to terms with being comfortable alone. It was a tough process and yet, as soon as the choice was made, a dream/vision occurred that changed everything. The essence of the dream was a hug, a simple hug (NOT), that led to a complete merging of the two into one energy. It was something I’d never felt before then and at 60, I didn’t think I ever would.

A few days later I was invited to an outdoor music festival where I met a guy, Brent, who also happened to be in that 26-week Kundalini yoga teacher training class. He invited me to the graduation a week and a half later, which was odd but immediately accepted. It just felt right. On the way there the next Sunday, October 28th, I had a thought about the kind of environment it would be and that, of anywhere, it would be a great place to meet someone. I didn’t really think I would.

Kundalini Conundrum

Upon arrival I heard an old friend yell out my name as soon as I got out of my Montero. She was a member of a UFO Contactee group I had facilitated for a couple of years and just three days older, both of us having birthdays at the end of June. After a short conversation she had to go, but not before saying she felt there was someone there for me to meet. ‘Yeah, right,’ I thought. Brent and his son arrived just as we were invited inside for the graduation ceremony.

Brent and his son sat in front and I sat in the back of the room and waited. While waiting for the ceremony to begin, a young woman walked in front of me. We had no eye contact, but my heart had this really strange sensation as she walked by, like it flipped in my chest. Well, I got the clue and paid attention. I felt really odd because she looked about the age of my daughter, who is in her late 30s and I felt uncomfortable at the possibility.

She was eventually called up as a graduate, which I had not assumed earlier, Luba Brodsky. ‘Hmmm, Russian?’ I wondered. When she spoke her ‘I Am statements’ as part of their process her Russian accent was obvious. I still wasn’t sure what to do about this strange feeling. Once the ceremony was over, the back of the room cleared out almost instantly, it seemed, and we were left standing there, looking at each other.

Awkwardly, I introduced myself and told her I found her very intriguing and would like to get to know her more if that was an option. Her first response to me was, ‘Are you reading me?” I felt like I’d invaded her space and apologized for the gaze, admitting that I knew I didn’t blink much but it wasn’t intended to peer in so deeply. I told her I felt something different and had to explore it. She said it was okay and that she had felt something, too. I asked her to lunch, even offering to prepare it at my home, having found out she had just moved a few minutes away a week prior. Oh, and she wasn’t my daughters age thank God, she was a Piscean born in 1968.

Cosmic Conundrum

That is how it began. After a few times together and discussing a wide variety of topics, including extraterrestrials and my involvement with them the conversation shifted to one of inquiry. She acknowledge that she’d felt ‘them’ around and just a few years prior finally saw one of them peer out through a wall, just sticking his head out slightly and enough for her to see him without freaking out.

She had been in meditation seeking entrance into the Akashic records focusing on a couple of questions: What is my purpose in life? Who am I? The answer she received was, “Mother and Teacher” and then she saw a wall that looked like a TV screen filled by static that seemed to go on forever. The face of a grey gently protruded from the wall for a moment, then receded. She felt an intense love from it.

I asked if she’d like to find out more about him or them and see if one had been ‘assigned’ to communicate with her. I felt there was an opening for it to happen. I’ve had numerous ‘sessions’ with others of like fashion over the years. This was the first for this kind of relationship, though, and it felt very important. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure it would even work, but I got over my insecurity and moved forward with the process.

I had her relax and did a little guided process to prepare her for the introduction, almost like preparing for a hypnotherapy regression only there was no regression to occur. I had her imagine a stairway with a door at the top and describe it to me. She did. I asked her to walk up the stairs and open the door, letting her know that as she did there would be an opportunity to engage ‘them’ and possibly meet her ‘handler’ as I called him. I refer to the three tall greys I’ve known since childhood as my ‘handlers.’

The door opened and she saw a room full of cherubic-looking figures dancing and running around like they were in some kind of joy-filled moment. I thought it was kinda funny, but a good start for her introduction. I asked her to ask their ‘leader’ to step forward and introduce himself (since she already felt it was a male). One stepped up and announced himself as ‘Nick.’ Then I asked her to ask him to show her his true form and before I got the sentence out she said he had morphed into a tall grey. We had a short conversation, which was all we could manage because she was so excited and just wanted to talk about the event.

Returning to Relationship

The ‘twin-flame’ information she shared with me later showed we had all the characteristics from several lists she’d found to share. It was spooky cool to say the least. The fact that she came from Russia and my ‘mission’ of harmony among people and planet was perfectly served with a partner from ‘our’ arch nemesis was simply surreal, let alone the nearly infinitesimal nuances we shared in our behaviors. I proposed to her a couple of weeks after we met.

I moved her, her 12-yr old son and 83-yr old mother (who speaks only Russian) in the first week of December. It seemed the only appropriate thing to do since we were spending every moment together that she wasn’t teaching. My work schedule was my own so I made myself available, of course. It took a little bit of time with her son, still reeling from the breakup of just a few months prior. Once settled, Nick began making regular visits and on one of them, told her she could trust me with her life.

Now she wasn’t so accepting of this alternative reality she was experiencing on a regular basis. Although it was exciting and intriguing as well, she had a hard time bridging worlds and being comfortable with the dual citizenship, so to speak. There were many more discussions of how and why we came together in what seemed to be such an effortless fashion. Sharing the process with some online groups seemed to stimulate deeper conversations with others online, too. We are a living example of how the universe (God, Creation, Reality) conspires to bring harmony and purpose to those who truly seek it.

Life for each of us certainly has had its challenges. We stayed the course, didn’t give up and yet gave up everything that got in the way of our natural spiritual paths. The result was simply a magical and mystical experience of a reality we had only dreamed possible. The funny thing is we were both driven by this inner knowing that it could happen if we became submissive to the process. That word ‘submissive’ was an issue for her for some time, especially as a powerful woman let alone being Russian. There is a huge difference in cultures from American women.

Fall Equinox 2017

Fast forwarding to our wedding on the fall equinox of this year, 2017. We got our wedding license on the spring equinox, so the timing seemed perfect. The location was at the base of Bell Rock just outside Sedona, Arizona. Our officiant, who happened to be a retired UFO lawyer and known as the ‘vortex jumper’ in Sedona, had taken us to the top of Bell Rock a few weeks prior. We’d been introduced through a mutual friend and were considering the ceremony on the top as well, but after the climb we decided the attire of choice would be too much of a challenge to take up and change on top. Our witnessed weren’t the best climbers, either and we wanted a nice and safe event.

The ceremony was perfectly timed at the moment of the autumnal equinox. The words Peter, our officiant, spoke were quite elegant and referenced the many realms of creation we all know exist and honor. Luba and I stood on a couple of rocks and I stepped across the gap as a symbol of traveling across the void to become ONE. It might have looked a little silly to passersby (Bell Rock is a popular place) but we didn’t care. It was the action of intention that mattered to us. We got some nice photos as well.

When we returned to Peter’s place, a short distance away, we were greeted by two other Top of Bell Rock Club members, Amanda and Kyle, visiting from California. We struck up an wonderful conversation as we shared the photos of our ceremony with them. Allison was a contactee as well and had been learning how to channel, mainly Arcturians, for the last several months. We later made the connection between the tall greys and the Arcturians as being the same ones Luba and I had been encountering for most of our lives.

That evening after a wonderful dinner at Cucina Rustica, we were sitting on the balcony of our honeymoon suite looking over The Ridge Golf Course when Luba felt Nick’s presence. It was totally unexpected for her and a bit overwhelming as she acknowledged what was happening. She always wonders if it is just her imagination, even though she said she felt like they were trying to pull her out of her body so they could speak with her. I attempted to soothe her in knowing she was safe and that she just needed to be present with them for a few moments was all.

Of course I was curious of about the conversation and asked her what they were saying. I could tell she was really hesitant to say anything. It seemed like whatever they were saying was almost too much for her to believe. Still, I prodded until she gave it up… They were pleased at the her union with the son of Ashtar was the first thing Nick had said to her. It had her wondering about her sanity and whether she was making it up in her head. I told her the sensation she was having of their presence was certainly something that she couldn’t just imagine. It had to be real, based on her prior experiences as well.

Her experience brought up a lot of things for me that I’d held at a distance for some time, opting for a more ‘normal’ lifestyle of steady work and playing golf occasionally. I have to say I’d hoped that our union would indeed create more opportunities to explore our cosmic connections with the Galactic Federation as many of us know it to be called. My commitment to ‘the work’ had also been contingent on having a life partner that was also congruent with her knowledge of other worlds and our ability to flow within them and ours as well.

I’m sure there will be more to come. Thanks for tuning in.

 

 

Ashtar Command

You might ask, “What the heck is the Galactic Federation and/or the Ashtar Command?” Is this some kind of Star Trek fantasy of science fiction? Is it some mass hysteria about an evacuation by space aliens? C’mon, you mean these people actually believe in extraterrestrials, cosmic beings, Jesus Christ and other spiritual masters all working together? Next thing you’ll say is that aliens are among us. They were certainly at the International UFO Congress and Contact in the Desert, among other events to date.

Believe it or not, it could be true. Some try to align Ashtar with Ishtar or other mythological characters, too.  Hey, whatever floats your boat. It’s a bit more serious for some, though. Oh, and they don’t like to be called ‘aliens’ for those of you who care. Truth be known, they are ancestors of the human race, family of origin so to speak. I am Zendor. I’ve heard it that Kumara or Melchizedek are sometimes included, but my friends just call me Zen. I come from a place everyone knows, but few have visited in this life.

There are many folks around the world who claim allegiance and seem to be aligning with the Ashtar Command and the Galactic Federation. The mission of the Federation, as I have come to understand it, is to support the advancement of planetary civilizations; to promote understanding of universal laws and a new living awareness as a result. Ascending to these standards in planetary administration promotes harmony among people and planet.

The mission is simple, yet no direct intervention can occur. Only after a civilization demonstrates understanding the symbiosis between people, planet and the cosmos does open contact occur. Eliminating war and establishing life support systems are results of applying universal principles. Every civilization, however, goes through cycles of development – from savage to serene. We’re adolescents in the scheme of things today.

Most of the self-acknowledged representatives are online only and deal with akashic readings, channeling messages from various sources or organizing online communities. They often seem more confused than productive because of the obsession toward conspiratorial notions about some dark cabal. Quite honestly, they seem to have some cognitive dissonance – a disparity between beliefs and deeds.

Some call themselves commanders, write about specific ships or give general messages to the ‘public.’  I feel that human filters tend to misinterpret communications from such benevolent beings. Some collective actions are intentionally service-oriented, promoting harmony.

The revealing of truth happens more organically, seeding consciousness and letting it grow. I take it all with a grain of salt and do more to challenge my experience than blindly accept it. If true, and there is a bridging of worlds, time will provide the opportunity for acknowledgement and validation. It will sure be interesting to say the least.

Perhaps this wasn’t enough and you’d like to know more. Try this.

Contact in the Desert recap

Alien.317The second Contact in the Desert event at the Joshua Tree Retreat Center was held this last weekend. Attendance grew to well over a thousand people in spite of the sweltering heat. When asked about possible date changes the event organizer, Paul Andrews, stated that the reason Perseid Meteor showers are most visible then. I’m not quite sure what that has to do with ‘contact’ but suffice it to say the dates will probably remain the same for next year.

Speakers presented on a varied of topics and you can research that on the Contact website.Since I know most of the presenters and am very familiar with their work, I spent most of my time among the participants to get a feel for the ‘common man’s’ observations and reflections on the subject at hand. From the queries I made, there is a vast array of perspectives and revelations (so to speak) being promoted, but not much is being done to query the crowd or seek out the experiences of real contactees. There is a lot of talk about consciousness, but no opportunities ti explore aside from the limited number of devices provided by a few of the vendors.

There was a surprise visit by one of the wayshowers of the consciousness movement, IMG_0703Barbara Marx-Hubbard, who happened to walk in and sit a few feet away, just before a small cadre of folks gathered around her for a short discussion. it was obvious that she was unfamiliar with advanced non-human intelligence, but she spoke of the need for a collective gathering around the possibility of open communication. Later in another short chat she mentioned spoke of a woman who had a large following in Canada and claimed to be a mouthpiece for the universal feminine principle many, many years ago and she thought it was a cult. The individual was part of a mass abduction in 1973.

The point regarding the latter is that expanded or cosmic consciousness can present itself through a variety of forms and sources, from crop circles to ‘channels’ that perform specific tasks for communicating information humans may not quite understand yet. I found it interesting the Ms. Hubbard could not see the significance of her own cult, but it was not my job to propose that view. Regardless, the worlds are bridging and the fact that she was at this event shows that walls are coming down and people are beginning to recognize the significance of non-human interactions. Many of the attendees I spoke with reflected the same and were frustrated that more focus is not on the communications that have been taking place.

alienanimation19In all fairness the groups that were assembled for the purpose of sharing experiences were littered with stories that would have taken a master coagulator to find the common thread in them. Most of them were related from a very human-centered and fear-based perspective. The obvious reflection was we fear what we do not understand and the interpretation of experiences is through a very linear lens. More experienced contactees argue the point that no fear is necessary and our view through that lens is extremely skewed and simply incorrect. The simple notion that everyone I spoke to agreed upon was that we are cosmic consciousness condensed into form becoming aware of the fact.

The expansion of that simple notion spans myriad places, spaces and realms of consciousness across the entire electromagnetic spectrum. The scientific discoveries that back up the notion of multiple dimensions and attending bodies (part of our multidimensional self) are beginning to bleed over from astrophysics and quantum physics. Questions and theories viewed through linear lenses seem to skew the view intended by the above-human intelligence. There seems to be a general consensus, though, that non-linear and non-local experience is necessary in order to have a better view of the big picture, incapable of being seen let alone understood by those who have not entered the non-linear and/or non-local worlds of consciousness. We need ways to create opportunities, safely, for folks to have experiences. We also need to have better conversations about them

In an effort to continue the growth of UfologyPRSS Blog I reached out to several noted authorities and old friends and invited them to write for us. Many agreed to provide material and to review existing material, written and video, that is on the Web at time. We’ve assembled a huge variety of feeds from around the world and many seem to have conflicting stories or present skewed views through very human lenses. We hope these new additions will help to develop better discernment tools for the material. Not everyone has a pure agenda for getting at the truth and whenever profits are involved you can be sure there will be controversy and withholding of truth. Our job is to share what we find.

In the future we look for open conversations that focus on the development of situational protocols that include tools to discern how the experiencer is interpreting their experience in order to get a more objective and clear perspective or the purpose. Apparently information from trusted sources indicates that human ‘spiritual’ awareness still isn’t congruent with cosmic consciousness (soul) in that we think we have a choice in our experiential timeline. Abductees complain about being taken against their will but give no credence to the possibility that there is another timeline they have no knowledge of, one they agree to participate in before incarnating here on Earth.

What do you think? Please respond below.

First Contact Imminent

The binary disc decoded: "Beware of the bearer's of gifts and the broken promises. Much pain but still time. Believe there is good out there. We oppose the deceivers. The conduit is closing." The window: 1987-2037; the 'shift' between Piscean & Aquarian ages.

The binary disc decoded: “Beware of the bearer’s of gifts and the broken promises. Much pain but still time. Believe there is good out there. We oppose the deceivers. The conduit is closing.” The window: 1987-2037; the ‘shift’ between Piscean & Aquarian ages.

First Contact Imminent

It was February 13, 2001 sometime around midnight in Phoenix, Arizona. I’d just gotten horizontal after an evening of chatting with folks on SpiritWeb about the Ashtar Command and what the ‘contactee’ experience was like for me. It had been going on for decades, since childhood, with no sense of malevolence whatsoever.

I found that many were still caught up in mixed emotions and concern for ‘negative’ ETs that seemed to get in the way of their development. Fear is just not a factor in the thin worlds. It simply does not exist. That may sound very confusing to those with ‘abduction’ experiences that have left an indelible mark. I have an entire book about that, Alien Agendas and Anal Probes. But I digress…

Lying there in quiet contemplation, all of a sudden I felt the transition between worlds that has become so familiar over the years. It’s like being freed from one world to enter another accompanied by a definite shift in the sensation of vibration. I’m sure its subtle, but inside it feels dramatic. There is a sound that is beyond hearing that accompanies the shift. It feels like a wind at my back, catapulting my relation-ship beyond the ocean of emotion.

This one was a bit different, though. My focus seemed to expand and contract simultaneously. I was fully conscious and it felt really strange. The practice of ‘seeing’ is much like scrying with a mirror or looking at an image that has a 3-D effect, gazing without looking intentionally. Years later in DMT – The Spirit Molecule I read accounts of folks who tried to explain their experience and they seemed to draw upon the same kind of explanations for their non-linear experiences.

I found myself in front of a large group of folks that looked they came from across the galaxy; so many varieties I was taken by surprise for a moment, but I have to say it felt quite natural and normal. Then my consciousness shifted again, into the ‘performance mode’ where I was able to observe yet another part of me was in charge. I was performing as a facilitator for the meeting, feeling like I was in complete charge.

As my focus developed and dissipated, I could tell I was on board a ship of substantial size. Sounds like a paradox, huh? Developed and dissipated… but that is how it seemed. I was in a large meeting room that reminded me of a lecture hall from college, with several hundred in the audience. This audience was not your standard student body though; far from it. I had simultaneous questions as I was ‘performing’ the emcee function.

There were dozens of different races represented in the group, too many to recall them all, but there was a sense of unity amongst them that felt familiar for some reason. I felt confident in the plethora of participants and the myriads of systems they represented, all members of the Galactic Federation. I understood the latter without question. Although there was no obvious announcement of their affiliation, the sense of unity was profound and complete.

The exact details are too cumbersome to elucidate here now, but the focus of the meeting was to go over the agreed upon processes, protocols, rules and responsibilities of ‘First Contact’ on Earth. It was apparent the process had been going on for some time; no exact date for establishing a ‘time and place’ event. Truth be known, it started millennia ago while humans were just beginning to evolve on their own.

It was time to begin the strategic actions to bring consciousness among humanity to a new level. They had advanced to a point of priority for planetary survival. It would become necessary for many kinds of open contact to occur. Humans were still too projective with the energy and they had not learned how to listen, so many methods and options were to be discussed. The 2012 Winter Solstice was one of the points of order under discussion, when the awareness of humans would reach a ‘tipping point’ in the process.

That may seem like a simple concept, listening, but the depth of the listening is what enables the interdimensional travel beyond the linear frameworks that humans have developed. You might recall a line in one of the favorite books among humankind stating, ‘for those who have the ears to hear and the eyes to see.’ When consciousness shifts, so does one’s ability to become aware and perceive.

One of the ways this was to be accomplished was the voluntary incarnation of some of the members of the Federation, developing as normal humans within the population yet being able to accelerate the advancement of consciousness along with the natural development of the human system. I knew that to be true for myself, but I longed for others like me to join the party. Most of the time the ‘incarnates’ are unaware of their true identity for many years, following their passion and purpose like an internal road map.

WheelCoCreationOnly after a decade of holding this within and, although I’ve been quite outspoken about my experiences, this one has not had the ears to hear until now. I have witnessed the growth of listening and as we approached the tipping point, (Winter Solstice of 2012) where consciousness has been expanding globally to understand the shift.

The next 25 years are focused on implementing the garnered awareness into existing systems, across the spectrum. The Co-Creators wheel that Thrive and The Shift Network use is an example.

Now since Jose Arguelles is gone, it seems time to share and take my chances. He wrote a wonderful reflection in an event journal I kept during the Prophets Conference in Phoenix back in 1997, perhaps the beginning of ‘Zen of the Clean Wave Form’ he referenced in his work later. We had many conversations about the transition of the ages and the wisdom necessary to negotiate the change into the New Time.

I’ve had a few conversations with others over the years, but their self-importance and conspiratorial positions simply do not support the Galactic Federation’s agenda as I know it. It is a New Time where consciousness is key and collaboration imperative. Pointing fingers and sharing disturbing references, true or not, only serves to maintain separative notions. In my humble opinion, that kind of behavior is subversive and treasonous to the spirit of Truth.

Another example of Galactic Federation workers’ results, no doubt some aware of their roles in the development, is the ISO 26000 Social Responsibility Standards. This is an example of how representatives from over 90 countries came together with a single goal in mind and created a document that can be used for moving humanity forward expeditiously. However, it is an ‘intentional’ document, one that employees of major corporations can use to encourage their leadership to be better planetary citizens. It is practical and pragmatic.

Stay tuned for more. Look for me at the Contact in the Desert event coming up in August. I won’t be on the schedule, but I will be there. Here’s a review of last year’s event for me. A point of perspection dances in the balance of the seer’s vision. One does not need to be an atheist or religious to find meaning for oneself in life and meaning for life in oneself. I share much more in the book Zendor the Contrarian.

Parental Postulate

Unexpected Glimpse at Parental Guidance

After joining the New Age Alliance I had volunteered to be an ‘investigator’ of organizations that were applying for membership. The New Age Alliance was a Phoenix-metro member-group organization founded in the late 1980s. It’s purpose was to provide a unified front for sharing ethics-based philosophy regarding accountability and responsibility in the New Age.

One of my assignments was to investigate a group that had formed around a channel for an entity named Jabar. Lauren Schmidt was the ‘channel’ and his townhouse was used as their regular meeting place. I thought it would be great for our elder daughter to experience as well, since she had showed signs of being highly sensitive.

My background with channels was a bit skewed as I’d found most of them to be skilled manipulators that were more about power than perfection. Many are excellent body language readers and work off cues the people offer without their awareness. I knew enough from all the reading I had done that information was available and could be easily promoted as though it was being ‘channeled.’ I’d met some folks that ‘felt’ much different, though, like Steve and April White.

I had introduced myself and my daughter upon arrival and that I was there on Alliance business. Lauren was a pleasant man to converse with, showing no signs of being interested in his own profit, although there was a charge. I was there for free, though. There were about 30 or so people there and we all sat around the living room of the townhouse. Some chairs were provided, but most of us sat on the floor. Krystal and I sat to the side against the wall.

We talked for a few moments while the other guests were arriving. I would let him know of the status of their membership submission after reporting back to the New Age Alliance membership committee. I liked what I’d found so far and told him so. He smiled, patted me on the back and went to change.

Just prior to the group session he had changed into a shiny emerald green floor-length robe, appearing very regal if I might add. My daughter and I sat on the floor in the back of three rows of people, leaning on the wall next to the arcadia door. I thought this would be a good vantage point to view the show. I also liked that we had something to lean against.

Lauren sat down and explained what was about to happen, invited us to have a short meditation, and went into his ‘channeling’ mode. I watched as he went through a process of preparation in order to channel. He did some centering exercises with his arms and breath, visibly becoming more relaxed. I’m not sure about the others, but I felt more open as well.

His energy changed dramatically, yet subtly, and he appeared to physically become more centered and upright, like his body was being straightened by a posture coach. I could sense another presence, too, or at least there was a definite shift in my awareness.

He was a bit different than most I’d witnessed in that he stood and walked around with his eyes wide open. He addressed several people with questions and answers and then turned his eyes on me with a little more of an intense gaze. It looked very inquisitive.

Parental Postulate

At first I thought, okay… here it comes. I looked into his eyes wondering what was going to come out of his mouth. He stood there for a moment, just looking.

Then he said, ‘You are still looking for your parents, aren’t you?’ Wow, that was totally unexpected. How did he know? Now, how was I going to respond?

I had said nothing of my adoption or quest for finding my biological parents, let alone celestial parents. Immediately I knew something was up and he had some connection beyond the manipulators. I relaxed as much as I could, took a deep breath and replied.

So I answered, “Yes, but I’m not so interested in the terrestrial lineage as much as I am the celestial lineage now.” I had longed for some kind of terrestrial connection for most of my life, but had recently realized I needed to move beyond it.

“That’s good,” he replied, “’but you’d still like to know who they are wouldn’t you?” I replied, “Of course,” not knowing what was about to come.

“Would you like to know their names?” he asked and I said, “Absolutely!” All I heard after a slight pause was, “They are A…. and A….” I blocked out his words for some reason, like I was not willing to listen. It was odd because he spoke quite loudly and was easy to hear otherwise. ‘Odd,’ I thought, then, ‘shit, I missed a golden opportunity.”

Since I did not hear the names I had no knowledge of who they were yet, but I knew he’d given actual names even though all I heard were the first letters. I sat there for a moment, puzzled and not wanting to appear like I wasn’t listening. I had a moment of extreme depression having missed the names.

Since I didn’t hear them I couldn’t say, “Could you repeat that please?”  So I just said, “Thank you,” and didn’t say anything else. He paused for a moment as if expecting me to say something else, I didn’t, so he moved on to the next person. I had a thought…

I turned and asked my daughter what he’d said, not knowing if she would recall. She replied, ‘Ashtar and Athena.’ My mind was conflicted and confused, but I held on, as it raced through the recent events.

Although I was familiar with Ashtar and Athena by now, hearing Jabar’s answer sent me reeling. What the heck is going on? I want to make sense of all this, but it was beyond my ability to create some kind of logical explanation. Part of me wanted to know more and another part of me was afraid to ask. I’m sure you might be a little concerned if you were in my shoes, too. What would you do?

My daughter was full of questions on the way home. She wanted to know who Ashtar and Athena were because she knew Nanna and Pawpaw were Daddy’s parents. We had no conversations about my adoption yet, and I wasn’t sure how to answer her.

I framed the answer like a fairy tale where Daddy was a lost boy who had been raised by adoptive parents. Something had happened to his parents after he was born and Nanna and Pawpaw had come to his rescue. They couldn’t have children of their own, but they really wanted a son, so they had been looking for him for a while. They were delighted when they found him and raised him as their own.

I explained that he had known this was true early on, and grew up like they were his real parents. When he got older, he started his own family, but he was still looking for his ‘real’ parents so he could rejoin his own family. He loved his parents very much and would always, but there was something unfinished. Jabar provided some information for the story to continue, but he didn’t know how it would end.

It was hard to separate myself from the story, but by telling her that way it seemed to give me some distance that felt healthy.